i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
