why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
