Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
