**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
