As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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