john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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