my phone needs a breathalizer
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
