Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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