How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
