If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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