Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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