Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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