I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
