I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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