come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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