sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
