I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
