Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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