Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
