We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
