What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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