so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
