Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
