I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
