You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
