Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
