R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
