those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
