he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My dick has a subreddit
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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