Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
