So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
