this beer tastes like vomit already
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
