Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
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