omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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