I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
