thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
