two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
