When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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