be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
