the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
