nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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