you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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