U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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