he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
