Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
