Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
