I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
