Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
