i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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