I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
