My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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